


In between dreams

by whatagreatmelancholy



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam-Centric, Alternate Canon, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence, F/M, First Kiss, Getting Together, Hands, I live for Calla and Persephone, I want to call this a slow burn but I think it's too short for that, Internalized Homophobia, Joseph Kavinsky is His Own Warning, M/M, Minor Joseph Kavinsky/Ronan Lynch, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Romance, Self-Hatred, Set somewhere during The dream thieves, Slow Build, Unrequited Love, Yearning, also Persephone and Adam's frienship makes me soft, soft touches
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:48:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23742550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatagreatmelancholy/pseuds/whatagreatmelancholy
Summary: Ronan is trapped in a dream, but the dream can only hold the dreamer for so longAdam can get into the dream, but can he save them from it
Relationships: Adam Parrish & Persephone Poldma, Adam Parrish/Blue Sargent, Joseph Kavinsky/Ronan Lynch, Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> Don't worry this is first and fore most a Pynch fic, with some Bluesey content on the side (When the angst is over). Also no cheating takes place because I love all the characters and want the best for them. The other couples (I like to think) are there for "character/plot development", but they're mostly there to fuel angst. 
> 
> If the characterization is shit, I apologise.  
> Which again is also the reason Noah isn’t in this fic, because I don’t know how to write accurate characterizations, and writing Noah’s just terrifies me for some reason, I may write him into this fic if I gain confidence.  
> (The trees don't speak Latin, because I don't trust google translate)  
> 

The shadows retracted into the pitch-black night, as Adam stepped out of Boyd. The cool night air calmed down his flaming skin. Letting out an exhausted sigh; he made his way over to his rusty bicycle, with it’s even rustier lock. His calloused hand wrestled the lock, until it finally gave in. With blemished hands and jaded eyes, he began on his way home to his homework.

Adam’s wandering thoughts of magic forests, sleeping kings and first girlfriends, suddenly came to a stop, just outside of one of the many abandoned parking lots in Henrietta. Just that this one wasn’t abandoned; it was overflowing with magic and sharp sounds. Adam was standing on the opposite sidewalk, of the one leading into the parking lot. The quiet trees, and Adam stood in unity, unnoticed, as a knife-edge voice cut through the silence.

“Oh, fuck off.” Ronan’s voice sounded even more jarring in the silent night, than in the blinding daylight.

“If we’re not going to race, might as well—”

“Going back to Dick so soon? Has he promised to give his loyal lap dog a reward for being so good? Maybe he will finally fuck you like I know you've always wanted him to” Kavinsky’s hollow eyes were now staring into Ronan’s. Standing only mere centimetres from each other, the tension hang strung out in the air, until it finally snapped.

They were crashing into each other, fighting fire with fire. Until they at last reached the eye of the storm, the night surrounded them in its silence for one moment everyone, except Adam and the night, would soon forget. A secret shared between only those who were listening closely to the trees’ whispering.

The storm continued to rage. Kavinsky was pinning Ronan to the BMW, but he didn’t look afraid. Did Ronan ever look afraid? He just looked dangerous, more dangerous than ever, and everything about him in that moment was absolutely captivating. Kavinsky was captivated, he snapped, and soon their lips met in a fight worse than their previous one. Kavinsky was holding Ronan in place with desperate hands that would leave marks, while Ronan’s body pushed to either get away from or get closer to Kavinsky, Adam couldn’t tell.

Somewhere in the distance a raven, or maybe it was the trees, signalled to him that it was time to go. As he cycled into the night, the cool breeze slowly turned him into ice. After getting home, slamming the door, tossing off his work clothes and laying down on his tiny mattress. He let his thoughts overflow, and at last the ice was melting, drowning him in intrusive thoughts. He shouldn't have seen that.

_He definitely shouldn't have seen that_

The troublesome thoughts soon became dreams, as he drifted off into a fleeting sleep.

***

“ _Adam_ ,” a voice from somewhere, anywhere, everywhere called.

“ _Adam,_ ” the trees called.

“ _Adam,_ ” Cabeswater called.

“ _Adam,_ ” not Parrish, Ronan called, and suddenly he was awake.

Cabeswater was slowly forming around him, carefully making sure to erase any of traces of the previous dream. “Adam.” Ronan’s voice was in the birds’ singing, the flowing streams, and the trees’ whispers. It was somewhere, anywhere and everywhere, at the same time. Still Adam could clearly hear it, with both his ears, even the deaf one.

He followed the barely-there voice, further into the forest, ordering the trees to show him the voice’s owner. When the last pair of branches turned away to open his path, he was met with the same sight he had seen yesterday. Now the voice wasn’t calling ‘Adam’, maybe it never had been, it was calling “Kavinsky.”

***

They were sat at Nino’s. Gansey rambled on about new discoveries regarding Glendower and new theories regarding Cabeswater. Blue, who had finally gotten a break, sat tucked under Adam’s arm, listening intently to gansey's never ending theories. Still just as mesmerised as Gansey by the magical forest and the sleeping king. They were like two children, and Adam desperatley didn't want to intrude on or spoil their fun. Not that he had to try much, because just like them Adam was also caught up, in his thoughts about last night's dream. Following this train of thought his mind soon wandered off and yet again found itself lost in another dream.

Ronan was nowhere to be seen.

Suddenly the door to Nino’s was slammed open. Three startled faces turned, expecting to find Ronan’s striking presence, but in his place stood Kavinsky. His lanky silhouette had a bold expression painted on his face as he made his way to their table, disturbing their gentle peace.

“Have you seen Ronan?” Kavinsky asked. His sharp tongue turning every innocent word into its own weapon.

Blue just shook her head a little, as Adam shrugged, and Gansey furrowed his brows. Their unwelcoming silence hang in the air for only a moment, before Kavinsky rejected it. Turning and walking out of the restaurant just as unwelcomed as he was when he entered, if not more.

“Where’s Ronan?” Adam asked, mimicking indifference.

“I don’t know,” Gansey answered, mimicking composure failing worse than Adam.

“He hasn’t been home since Sunday, but I figured it was time to trust him for once." Gansey sighed, before admitting defeat: "Apparently, I was wrong, but I just didn’t want to argue again.”

Sunday that was three days since, Adam wanted to point out, but Gansey’s explanation had seemed to age him at least one century, and as Adam feared that the burdens Gansey already carried would someday consume him, he decided to let the worried silence make itself comfortable.

“I guess this means one more magical missing person we have to find,” Blue said, ending their tense silence. Sympathetic smiles were sent around the table, but they all knew Ronan wasn’t just magical, he was dangerous.

“He is okay, right?” Blue asked replacing the night silence with her comforting voice. They were walking home together, though calling his appartment a home would probably be an overstatement.

Tomorrow, after school they were going to search for him. How they were going to find him was still left an unanswered question. Where do you even begin to search for someone who doesn’t want to be found, much less a dreamer who doesn’t want to be found.

Blue with her tiny self, could fill up any room or quiet night with certainty. Still, Adam felt more uncertain now, than he had when he lived in a house where every moment was uncertaint and unexpected, until it had already happened.

“I hope so. He is quite unpredictable, and has a hard time staying out of trouble, but I don’t think he would intentionally harm himself or scare us. Who knows what has happened to him, especially since Kavinsky seems to be in distress over it too” Blue accepted Adam’s unfulfilling answer by taking his greased hand into her gentle one. At that moment Adam felt accepted by this wonderful girl, even if he couldn’t accept himself.

His trailer trash hands were greased, dirtied not only from his past but also his present. Torn between what he deserved and what he wanted. He wanted Blue to stay, to hold his hand, to be, if only for a moment, the acceptance he needed. But he didn’t deserve that. He let go. His greasy hand falling from her gentle one, as they walked the rest of the way to Fox Way 300.

***

The house was overflowing with magic and life, weaving the women of Fox Way 300 so tightly together, that being there always awoke some deep enviousness of the warmth they had, in Adam. Most of all, coming there, always felt like what a real home should feel like.

“The snake seems like he doesn’t want to be found.” Calla sat on the floor crossed legs and gentle fingers dug harshly into the soft carpet. She was desperately trying to mimic indifference, filling the room with her silent worry. Adam just welcomed her to the club, with a sympathetic smile, and tried to not let his own worry overflow.

“So, there is nothing you can tell us about his location, or at least his future? He’s not in danger, is he?” Gansey asked, having completely given up on feigning certainty. A disturbed look appeared on Calla’s face for a brief moment, but none of them missed it. Gansey did not seem like he wanted the real answers to the questions, and Calla seemed even less eager to give him them.

At last Calla began to speak, they were all listening closely, this time.

 _“You will find him._ ”

“I can’t say when you’ll find him, or why he doesn’t want to be found right now, but if you search for him and try to listen, he will hopefully tell you.” Small smiles of relief were exchanged, but deep down they all knew Ronan would not tell them his secrets, even if they demanded answers.

They went on their way, deciding to start the search now, since they all knew Calla had not answered the most important part of Gansey’s question: “is he safe?” which meant an unspoken and heavy _no_ was going to haunt their search.


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s a lot of angst in this one, so strap yourself in. I promise Adam will get the love and happiness he deserves.
> 
> If anyone is bothered by how this chapter is so long in comparison to the other, don’t worry, when I finally decide to revise this fic, I will probably merge this and the first chapter into a long one, because god knows I’m a sucker for long chapters.

_“Greywaren,”_ the trees sang.

Ronan woke up.

Cabeswater’s eternal spring surrounded him. The streams where you could almost make out a part of your future, before you at last ended up back in the reflection of your own eyes, had all quieted down to let the trees speak. And as the youth filled honeysuckles grasping for sunlight, turned their heads to look at him, the trees spoke to him:

_“You are safe, for now.”_

“Guess that’s better than most of ominous prophecies he had heard in his life” Ronan thought to himself, though he knew the forest probably could feel what he was thinking.

“Time to get out then.” He started walking along one of the streams. If he had been smart, he would have dreamed the BMW close to the opening where he would exist the forest, and then he could drive to Monmouth or maybe even to The Barns. No way in hell he would call Gansey to come pick him up, so this was going to be a long walk.

It was a long walk, but not for the reason Ronan had originally expected. He had walked for what felt like half and eternity, and since he seemed to be trapped in a magical forest, for all he knew that could be true.

“What do you want?!”

The trees didn’t answer.

***

Their search yesterday had been cut short, by Blue having to go to work and Adam having to study for Latin. He was finally best in all his classes, but it only left him with an empty feeling, and maybe Ronan’s return was the only thing that could stop the emptiness from growing, not that he could admit that, even to himself.

The Pig stopped harshly, pulling him out of his thoughts and Blue and Gansey out of their conversation. Adam didn’t particularly care for what they were talking, or maybe he just didn’t care for their talking right now, but Gansey certainly did as he almost forgot to stop the car. At least they had arrived.

Cabeswater

As soon as they entered it, they felt it. Had Cabeswater always felt this all-consuming? It felt as if it was overflowing, no, more like it was drowning in its own magic. How had Adam not noticed anything sooner? Maybe the forest was keeping a secret from him.

The magic got more unbearable the further into the forest they wandered, but they did not stop, because they knew in the end, they would find him.

***

After cursing at a barley sentient magical forest for another half eternity, Ronan settled down in between the trees, the streams, and the blossoms, to let his internal flames calm down. Still, the unhinged flames inside him would not die down.

***

“Why didn’t you just tell us that he was gone?” Adam broke, he couldn’t hold back anymore, the words had left his mouth before he could even think. He knew the answer, at least he thought he did, and even if he didn’t, he knew deep down that he didn’t want it. Gosh, he was such an asshole.

“As if you would have done anything if I had told you then. You are not the one who has to see Ronan the nights he comes home so drunk he can’t even hide it. You don’t need to hear his screams or feel his rejection every time you try your hardest to understand or help him out of every reckless idea he has.” Gansey also broke, and it was Adam’s fault. Oh, how he desperately wished he hadn’t spoken, because even if they were both guilty, at least they wouldn’t have needed to feel each other’s guilt as well. Only Blue was guiltless.

“I didn’t want to fight again, with you or with Ronan, that’s why I couldn’t tell you” Gansey said defeated, yet somewhere amidst the defeat, Adam heard hope. And in that brief moment Gansey looked as if he had lived a thousand sorrowful years.

This was Gansey’s apology, and for once Adam wasn’t enough of an asshole to reject him.

The sun was beginning to set.

“We should probably begin heading back,” Gansey stated. The one thing none of them wanted to hear, but all knew was coming. The air was cold, and even the forest didn’t seem to welcome their presence anymore, it just seemed utterly tired from holding so many magical people all at once.

It was heart breaking in some ways having to leave the forest without even the slightest traces of Ronan, although they all knew he was here. Somewhere deep in this dream forest roamed a lonely dreamer.

“Tomorrow,” they all promised each other, as they were leaving.

Laying down on his tiny ratty mattress Adam finally let himself think about this new Ronan he had never known before. A Ronan who apparently came home too drunk and made out with Kavinsky at night in empty parking lots. Maybe it wasn’t horribly different from the sharp, distrusting, burning Ronan people perceived him as, but it was different from the Ronan, Adam knew he was. The trusting, warm, protective Ronan, who had been hurt but still chose to love, and to show it in the strangest of ways. Adam felt warm knowing that Ronan had decided to show him how much love hurt people were capable of, even if he couldn’t reciprocate, because Adam had been hurt and somewhere along the way it had made him unable to love.

He didn’t dwell, and for once just let the feeling of warmth carry him off to sleep.

Tomorrow arrived, and their search continued.

“Do you also feel it?” Adam asked. Cabeswater didn’t answer, or maybe it just didn’t answer to him.

“What?” Blue answered, she was truly wonderful in that way.

“The amount of magic, everywhere.”

“Yeah I thought that was the whole concept of Cabeswater, you know; a giant magical forest, placed in the middle of a central ley line.”

“No, I mean yes, but now it’s like the whole forest is drowning in magic, as if it can’t hold it all. It’s suffocating. It as if it has been charged with too much magic and is trying to push something out, most likely us, or-”

_Ronan_

"I don't feel it," Blue said apologetically, as if Adam would break again, maybe he would.

“I don’t either.”

“What?” Adam felt disoriented, as if he had followed the path for too long, and forgotten that dreamers didn’t reside on the path, they lived in the wild forest. But he couldn’t break now, he had come to far, he needed to continue onwards, let the forest guide him to what he was searching for: a dreamer.

“Even if we can’t feel it, it probably means something, it always does,” Gansey said reassuringly. Gansey was also wonderful like that sometimes. How could everyone be so full of love and care, and what had Adam ever done to deserve any of them.

“Does the magic the same everywhere, or are there places you feel it more? Because if there’s any big magic outburst we should follow them.”

“Everything feels the same, suffocating and overwhelming.”

Blue and Gansey just nodded in reply, before they all agreed on Blue’s plan, as they often did nowadays, to look for magic outburst. Well Adam would look for magic outbursts, while the others continued the search.

Settling down before one of the many magical streams, the magician’s work began.

As he scried, the world of the awake faded and he was carried into yet another dream.

When he opened his eyes, he could hear the trees speak.

***

_“Cabeswater”_

_“Magician”_

_“Is he here?”_

No answer came, though in itself that was answer enough, because they both knew: yes, he was here, he had to be here, because there was nowhere else to go.

_“Is he safe?”_

This he didn’t know the answer to, maybe Cabeswater didn’t either, because it didn’t answer him, or maybe it couldn’t.

Soon the dream was fading, becoming emptier and emptier for every silent second. The dream getting further and further out of reach as he desperately clung to it and tried with all his might to stay asleep.

As it was dragging him back to the land of the awake, he heard it, a fain whisper from somewhere, anywhere, everywhere, it was the same whisper he had heard in his dream.

 _“For now,”_ it whispered

***

“Kerah”

He was awake, and a few metres above him sat a dream.

Chainsaw was staring directly at him from the branch she sat on. No words were exchanged between them, only knowing looks. They were both looking for the same thing: a dreamer.

So, she didn’t know where Ronan was either, Adam observed, not sure if that was a good sign. At least she might be more helpful than this goddamn forest, Adam thought to himself, fully knowing that the forest had heard him.

“Look who I found,” Adam told the others, as they gathered under the tree Chainsaw had sat in before. She had now made herself comfortable on Adam’s shoulder.

“actually, it was more she who found me.” A knowing look was exchanged between them.

“Also, he is here, and most likely safe. This goddamn forest really doesn’t want to answer me anymore, or maybe it doesn’t have any answers to give.”

All of them had heard enough vague prophecies in their life to recognize a troubling one when they heard it.

Gansey looked furious now, like he wanted to kill Ronan himself before the forest or other dream creatures got to him. “Ronan,” Gansey murmured and this time it meant “we have to find him before anything else does.” A collective yes was heard throughout the forest, because if there was one thing they all knew about Ronan it was that he was his own greatest danger. Even if the forest, or Gansey, or the dream creatures never found a way to kill Ronan, he would always find one himself.

“Kerah” Chainsaw repeated, reminding them all that Chainsaw was still awake, which could only mean one thing: he wasn’t dead.

_He was safe, for now._

Feeling as if their search would never end, they carried on.

The day was coming to an end, but this time no one wanted to suggest heading home again, so they continued roaming the dark forest. Still he was nowhere to be found, maybe it was just like Calla said: magical people sometimes just didn’t want to be found; god knew Adam could relate to that statement.

That’s when Adam felt it, a magic outburst, the forest couldn’t hold the magic anymore and now it was pouring out from one spot, not a spot, a person, a dreamer, Ronan.

He was sure it was Ronan.It had to be.

“Adam? You okay?” Blue looked worried, and was now holding his had tightly, making the magic pulse he felt even more overwhelming.

“You were zoning out.”

“We should probably start heading home now, it’s late and none of you idiots know when it’s time to stop.” She was so close, whispering into his ear so Gansey wouldn’t hear and get worried. Maybe it wasn’t her magical energy that was overwhelming him, but simply her warmth and closeness, her comfort around him. It was something close to love. Adam felt an immediate need to pull away, he didn’t deserve it.

Adam would like nothing more than to squeeze her hand tighter and follow her home. To make her happy, like she made him. But he couldn’t. He let go of her.

Disappointment flashed across her face, replacing the warmth in her with something Adam was beginning to recognize as hurt. A feeling he knew all too well.

Without much chatter, they made their way to where Gansey stood in his stupid boat shoes pretending to be fine. Blue was right, as always, they never knew when to stop. They were all so tired, and none of them were able to hide it anymore, even if one of them, Gansey, still tried to.

“I know where he is,” Adam blurted out as soon as they had all gathered.

“Or at least I think I know. I can feel this one spot where the magic, it almost feels as if it’s leaking out, like the whole forest is trying it’s hardest to contain a huge amount of magic, but there’s this one spot, maybe some sort of crack, where the magic is too strong to contain, and it just ends up leaking out.” Adam’s stumbling and unprecise explanation replaced every trace of hurt and tiredness with a new hope. They all knew it was a naïve sort of hope, but as they continued their search into the night, they all chose to believe in it.

Adam walked ahead of the others trying to navigate where exactly the magic was coming from. They were deep into forest now, further than any of them had ever gone. The path, if you could even call it that, was overgrown and uninviting, as if the forest was trying to keep them away, or maybe it was trying to protect what dwelt within it.

They all took a deep breath and closed their eyes, not that it made much of a difference since the night had become an almost all-encompassing darkness that surrounded them, before climbing through a wall of branches. Now they stood in a clearing, walls made of branches, like the one they had just climbed through, twisted around them, and tried their best to mimic shadow monsters and nightmares. But in the middle of it all where the moonlight could be glimpsed through the forest canopy and the forest seemed to welcome them again, there was nothing to be scared of, the forest was protecting them, just like it was protecting him.

“Ronan!” One of them, or maybe all of them shouted.

He was laying a bit off centre, almost in the middle of the clearing. Adam couldn’t help but feel the vast amount of magic that was circling Ronan, even in his sleeping form he was a force to be reckoned with, maybe even more so than in waking form. Standing above him, they all just stared. He was sleeping. No, more likely he was dreaming. Ronan was wearing his signature black tank top with one of his many pairs of ripped black skinny jeans, and something about it made Adam wonder: “I hope he isn’t cold”, so he reached out. Gently picking up Ronan’s rough hand, he put his thumb to where Ronan’s pulse was beating steadily, signalising that he wasn’t dead, at least not yet.

“His pulse seems normal.” A collective sigh of relief was heard throughout the forest. Honest smiles replaced the worried and tired expressions that had painted their faces for the last few days. Chainsaw who always seemed so free, had never belonged anywhere else other than on Ronan’s shoulder, watching him with such love, creatures like her shouldn’t be able to feel.

Ronan’s hand was so unexpectedly warm, that Adam couldn’t find it in himself to let go. It felt as though the warmth radiating from his hand was another one of Ronan’s weird ways to tell him something. It was as if he was telling them: “I was waiting for you; I knew you would find me before the warmth was gone.” Adam knew he didn’t deserve the warmth of Ronan’s hand either, but he just couldn’t let go, so he squeezed his hand a bit tighter, and hoped Ronan would forgive him.

The clock was a bit over midnight when they arrived at the opening of the forest again. If they didn’t already look like they hadn’t slept a day in their life, which was a scarily accurate description of most of Adam’s life, they definitely looked like it now. They were so far beyond the point of fatigue now, as having to carry Ronan all the way from the clearing had taken a much bigger toll on them anticipated. Who knew Ronan in his sleep could be even harder to manage than Ronan when he was awake?

Gansey was the one carrying Ronan on his back now, they had all taken their turn, as they were walking out of the forest. When they suddenly stopped.

“Gansey?” Blue almost shouted from where she was standing beside The Pig. She had walked ahead, since she had to ring her mother to assure her that she hadn’t been kidnapped or hurt. Something about her sincerity made Adam’s insides turn. “How could someone really care for their family and be cared about so wholly sincerely and unconditionally in return?” Since he didn’t know the answers yet, and didn’t feel like thinking about anything before he had at least gotten 3 hours of sleep, he borrowed Gansey’s keys and went to lay in the backseat of The Pig.

“I can’t go any further” Gansey said, his tiredness disguising the underlying distress.

“What,” Blue replied with the same amount of tiredness and distress.

“I’m stuck. There’s as if there’s an invisible wall here or something, maybe some sort of magic force field,” Gansey explained the distress clearly starting to show.

“Why won’t the forest let you leave?” Blue said. She was now standing beside Gansey looking around for any clues the forest may have given them. Gansey just shook his head in reply to her question and tried to keep himself together. Adam who had gotten up after seeing that Blue wasn’t standing beside The Pig anymore, arrived just in time to hear her question, and was wondering the same thing, but knew there was only one way to figure it out.

“You could walk along the magic field looking for some kind of opening, I will need about 15 minutes, maybe less if Blue stays with me” Adam suggested to everyone’s delight as, for once, none of them were in the mood for theorizing or coming up with elaborate plans. Blue decided to go, as they all decided 15 minutes was just about enough time to cover a kilometre in each direction of the magic field.

Once again Blue and Gansey disappeared into the forest, and the magician’s work began.

***

_“Cabeswater”_

_“Magician”_

_“What have you done?”_

No answer came, it was too unspecific.

_“What do we have to do?”_

Again, probably too unspecific, and he was running out of time.

_“Will yo-”_

_“Greywaren”_ Cabeswater interrupted before he got to finish his final question, and then he was alone again.

***

“We have to leave him.”

“What?! Adam you can’t be serious,” Blue blurted out, not able to hold her straightforwardness back even under extreme fatigue.

“Cabeswater won’t let him leave, and we’ll all faint or freeze to death at this point, and that won’t be very helpful. If none of you are able to come up with any better ideas, we’re leaving.” It hurt to say, but Adam knew it was the truth, and so did the others. Maybe it wasn’t just him and Gansey who didn’t know how to stop, maybe none of them did.

They let the silence drag on, none of them wanting to face the reality that their whole search had been for nothing. They had found him, but they all knew they weren’t any closer to knowing where he truly was. Somewhere far away in a dream probably.

They didn’t speak, just placed him carefully on the ground behind the biggest tree they could find. It was risky putting him so close to the opening of the forest, but they didn’t have the time or the power to carry him all the way back to the clearing, if the clearing even existed anymore. So, they just gathered some nearby branches and leaves, and tried to, in their sleep haze, make him look like a pile of leaves. They failed completely, but since staying awake was beginning to feel more and more like a fever dream, and less like reality, they just convinced themselves it was good enough and walked back to The Pig.

Heavy thoughts yet again invaded Adam’s sleep deprived mind, he was beginning to see a pattern. Thoughts of arguing with Gansey, his more or less dysfunctional romantic relationship with Blue, having to leave Ronan behind, and his family, were all tumbling around in his brain making him feel dizzy. Amidst the chaos he could still feel the warmth of Ronan’s hand, which was somehow the most comforting thing Adam had felt during this whole situation. As Gansey was driving them homeward Adam couldn’t help but let sleep take over. His last drifting thought being: “At least Ronan has Chainsaw to comfort him.”

Cabeswater had promised to protect him, that was the least the goddamn forest could do for being such a pain in the ass.

 _“He was safe for now,"_ Echoed around in Adam's dream, over and over, until he almost started to believe it.

Fox way 300 was quieter than it had ever been before. The rooms weren’t packed with magic or women today, and there was something unnerving about it all. Maybe because it only made their own silence louder. Blue, Gansey and Adam were all sat in the kitchen, the only sound coming from Blue who as always refused to eat the fruit that at the bottom of her yoghurt, and was now stirring them around instead of throwing them away, in fear of making the silence too overwhelming.

“So where’s the snake?” Calla interrupted their almost silence, with her sharp bluntness. Something about it made Adam suddenly miss Ronan’s similar tone so much it made him want to cry. God, he was really sleep deprived.

“Stuck in the magical forest, you know the one that one day just mysteriously appeared directly onto the ley line,” Blue said masking her own sleep depravity and worry with a failed impression of Calla’s bluntness. Even so, Gansey and Adam knew they couldn’t have explained their situation in any better way, and were both sending their silent “thank yous” to Blue in a not so subtle way; Gansey sent her such a sweet smile it would probably have brought them all to tears if any of them had actually seen it, and Adam let himself hold her hand, and squeezed it as hard as he believed he was allowed to. 

Calla just made such a casual sound of agreement, that anyone would have believed Blue’s answer had been something Calla had already expected, which wouldn’t surprise any of them. She had already known that they had found him before any of them would have to explain that to her, which was probably for the better.

“I’ll go get her then,” Calla said with such ease, that the worried Calla they had seen just days ago, seemed like she never had existed in the first place. Maybe she also knew that _he was safe, for now._

Calla disappeared out of the kitchen, only to be replaced by Persephone a few moments later. If Calla was magical, Persephone was pure magic, everything about her was out of place in exactly the right ways, just like magic was. Her floor-length dress, adorned with flowers that looked like they were dreamt onto the dress rather than sown on, made her seem like she was floating across the room.

“Well young magician, it seems like the time has come.” There was something so melodic about the way Persephone talked, and Adam never knew if it was mostly unnerving or calming. This time it was neither, and Adam knew what that meant.

The Pig felt more crowded than ever, crammed to the brim with magical people, maybe this was what Cabeswater was feeling every time they entered it. If that was the case, Adam didn’t even blame it for being such a cryptic asshole the last few days, maybe it was just as tired as him. He sat squished between Blue and Persephone, of course Calla had called shotgun, and none of them had been brave enough to challenge her.

Blue was so much closer than she had ever been, even if that her aunt was sitting just as close to Adam kind of ruined the moment, he should still have felt more joy. He had thought that the handholding this morning had been a step forward, it had made him happy and it seemed to have made her happy too, but now sitting pressed into her, just as he had imagined countless times before going to sleep, he simply felt guilt and fear. Fear of her seeing the scar he had gotten that night in the trailer park up close, of feeling his malnourished and scrawny body he always hid under his loose t-shirts, and of her smelling the trailer smell he knew would permanently cling to his skin, because deep down he was always going to be trailer trash.

The Pig stopped, and Cabeswater stood before them, tall and somehow more daunting in the daylight, than it had been last night.

Entering the forest Adam knew Ronan wasn’t going to be where they placed him last night.

“He’s back in the clearing,” Adam explained, after they had checked behind every tree near the opening for a suspicious looking leaf pile. The forest had kept it promise, it had protected him.

He didn’t really know if it was the same clearing, or if he even was in a clearing at all, as all Adam felt at the moment was sick. If the magic had been suffocating with 4 magic people in it, it was now straight up unbearable. Persephone and Calla felt it too, so decided that Gansey, Blue and Calla should wait in the car, until further notice.

“Shouldn’t we try to find him first?” Adam asked, now that the magic was less jumbled, and he could sense something similar to what he had felt yesterday. A magic source, more likely than not Ronan.

“There’s no need.” Persephone’s words felt even more melodic now that they echoed off the trees. Maybe the trees sang with her.

“We should at least ask him for permission?”

“He will let you in.”

“Because he has no choice.”

Persephone shook her head.

“Because he wants to.”

They gathered what they needed, a few stones and some water from one of the streams, and got to work. Adam placed himself under the biggest tree, leaning against the rugged tree bark trying to complete the impossible task of making himself comfortable.

“It’s going to be a while, so you’re better off not ruining your neck or back sitting beside the stream,” Persephone told him when he tried to settle himself next to it, just like he did yesterday.

When he had made himself as comfortable as he would ever become, Persephone laid the stones in a slightly off-centre circle. Something about her gentleness, and the care she put into the task made him feel very thankful for everything about her. The women of Fox Way 300 were all filled with such love, but Persephone was the only one he could let himself be loved by, because her love wasn’t vast and bold like others, hers was something he could let himself have, at least in small doses. It wasn’t so overwhelming that he felt the need to hate himself afterwards for accepting it, and he knew that he could repay her if not in love, at least in being a good magician.

“Be careful, you will need to find him so don’t get distracted. Don’t look back and he will let you in.” Persephone sent him a little smile, but he could see how it reached her eyes. He let himself stare back into her eyes that reflected not only every colour, but everything around them. He tried to fill his glance with as much love he could, before he let himself fall into the small pit they had dug and filled with stream water.

Cabeswater, or maybe it was just his head, was once again filled with chaotic and suffocating magic, which was screaming for his attention at every turn he took. He needed to find Ronan, so he could let him in.

 _“He will let you in,”_ echoed in his head, so he continued.

Moving forward, he tried to find it, the feeling of a magic source, no, the feeling of Ronan. Maybe he had been searching for the wrong thing all along. Maybe he had already missed what he was looking for. Maybe he should turn back and look for it.

“Don’t look back” someone else echoed, someone he couldn’t quite remember in his magic haze, still the trees echoed her words back to him.

That’s when he found it, what he had been searching for, an opening to a dream. If only the dreamer would let him in.

***

“Parrish” a loud voice called. It was everywhere, was it the trees again?

“Fuck” the voice whispered after Adam didn’t reply, he was still asleep.

“Adam” the voice called, for real this time, and suddenly he was awake.


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't abandoned this, I just have no sense of time. I promise you I will go down with this fic and all it's shitty characterization.  
> The angst really jumped out in this one, but please enjoy anyway.  
> Also I will probably revise this before posting the next chapter, since it might be the last chapter, so feel free to enjoy the beta version until then (though I will probably use at least a few months trying to get it all done, sorry)  
> Anyways I'm done rambling, and I hope you like it!

Ronan awoke.

Before him stood a girl, or at least she resembled one at first glance, before he noticed her hooves. Reminding him that this was all a dream, and he was stuck in it. She on the other hand seemed like she belonged; with her honeycomb hair and eyes which resembled Cabeswater’s streams to the point where you could scry in them.

So, she must be yet another dream creature; another one of his dream creatures.

Even if she seemed like she belonged, it was not her home, she didn’t have one. She was an orphan girl, and maybe she wanted to escape the dream just as much as he did.

“Greywaren” she called. Maybe it had been her and not the forest that had been calling for him, or maybe it had been both, or neither. As his dream creatures became more intricate, Ronan felt himself becoming worse at understanding them, maybe it was because they were all a part of him, and in many ways, Ronan didn’t understand himself.

Ronan glared at her, which seemed to be an acceptable reply, because she continued.

“You should start preparing, it cannot keep you safe forever,” she told him in a childlike tone, even though they both knew that she was not a child, and what she had said was not something a child would say.

“Prepare for what?” Ronan asked, hoping that the orphan girl would give him the answers the forest couldn’t give.

“For them.” A vision was forming itself before him, Ronan couldn’t tell if it was happening in his head, or if Cabeswater was rearranging itself from a dream into a vision. The vision took form and begun playing itself over and over: the night terrors ripping him apart, just like they had done to one of his copies only days ago. But this time, he couldn’t escape. His copies, Orphan girl, Cabeswater, they all knew that none of them could keep him safe anymore. The night terrors would win, and the dreamer would at last be consumed by his dreams.

“Shit” Ronan muttered, eloquent with his words as always. He knew the night terrors had taken up the space he left behind every time he stole something from a dream, but he hadn’t found it in him to stop. He had been too willing, had wanted too much and Kavinsky had given it to him. They were both guilty, but he had been caught, now the dream knew he was a thief: a dream thief.

* * *

He awoke.

Adam felt an intense throbbing from his head for a moment, and then the magic vanished. No, it didn’t vanish, it was still here, it was always here, but now it was controlled, it had been tamed.

“You awake?” someone asked, or no, not someone, Ronan.

Adam sat up abruptly and was met by Ronan’s piercing glare, but there was something off about it. It wasn’t judgemental or attacking, it was just intense, just like Ronan. Adam was sure there lay more behind his waterfall eyes, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what that something was yet.

Ronan stood leaning onto the biggest tree Adam had ever seen in his life. It was as if it had transformed from a normal magical tree, as if there was actually such a thing, into its true form, which was this thing that Ronan stood against. Beside his feet lay a little girl, resting, sleeping, maybe even dreaming. Could dreams also dream?

“Where are we?” Adam decided to ask.

“In my dream.” Ronan shrugged, but Adam could sense the tenseness in the air. Whether it came from Ronan or the dream he was not sure about.

“You going to tell me what happened?”

“Huh?” Ronan had turned his gaze away from Adam, now staring at the girl at his feet. Adam continued to stare at Ronan. Ronan could most likely feel it, because he slowly turned his gaze onto Adam again. Adam held it, not backing down, but reaching out to Ronan, giving him a chance. And then Ronan spoke: “I’ll show you.” Relief flooded Adam; he had made the right choice for once.

Ronan leant down and awoke the girl with a little harsher than necessary shove and a contrastingly gentle: “Orphan girl”. Adam wondered what made Ronan name her such a thing, but then again, he had a raven named chainsaw, so what was the point of questioning it. When Orhan girl opened her eyes, she was staring directly at Adam. Somehow, they reminded him an awful lot of both Persephone’s and Ronan’s, the most magical people in his life. It was overwhelming being looked upon, by a dream that reminded him so much about people that made him feel awake. After inspecting him, she sent Ronan a knowing look, which he returned. Watching their unusual intimacy, made Adam feel something, he didn’t know what it was, but for once it wasn’t jealousy. Ronan turned his head to Adam with the faintest smile, and the feeling spread throughout him. Ronan was inviting him into to their intimacy in the most Ronan way. Adam was welcomed.

The vision of the night terrors started again, but this time they stood together. Adam couldn’t believe, or maybe he just couldn’t bear, what was happening. Gruesome creatures with long limbs made out of pure darkness ripping Ronan apart. Adam wanted to scream, but the darkness swallowed his screams too. He was grasping after light, anything to make the darkness disappear. When he felt hands, one small and safe and the other warm and filled with intent, both saving him and bringing him back from the darkness.

Adam opened his eyes and tried to steady his erratic breath. He still felt the hands holding him, or rather him holding onto them way too hard, but they didn’t let go.

Adam let his head hang low, letting the panic seep out of his body, purging himself of the foreign demons that had occupied his mind only a moment ago, leaving only the familiar ones behind to tear him apart. That was until Ronan took his other hand to Adam’s chin, gently and deliberately as if he were touching something precious and meaningful, something he was afraid to destroy. Ronan who had been ripped apart only moments ago, was afraid of something or someone hurting Adam. Slowly Ronan was turning Adam’s head towards himself, so they were eye to eye, finally seeing each other. It should have felt more abnormal, Ronan’s warm hands holding him like he meant something and the quiet breath that barely landed on his face before Ronan was pulling away, violently breaking away from the intimacy he had just created so carefully. All that was left of the moment, their moment, was the lingering warmth of Ronan’s hand that could still be felt inside of Adam’s palm. His other hand still occupied by Orphan girl who did not seem to want to let go. Adam knew the feeling too well to reject her of this small moment of physical affection.

Ronan turned away from their display of affection, instead finding himself a new tree to lean against. Adam couldn’t decipher the look on his face, especially since Ronan refused to look at them.

“So, what are they?” Adam asked. When Ronan refused to reply, apparently still bothered by Adam, Orphan girl, or maybe both in some way, he continued: “What do we do now?”

Ronan just sent them another useless shrug, making Adam infuriated. If the silence had continued any longer Adam would have screamed at Ronan, but Orphan girl, who probably could feel the tension building up, decided to leave Adam’s side just in time. She trotted with a skip in her step over to Ronan, where she whispered something to him in broken Latin, Ronan’s Latin. Ronan whispered something back, which made her turn around to face Adam with such a truthful expression that when she mouthed: “I’ll be back” and trotted into the forest, Adam couldn’t help but believe her. When the last of her shadow had blended into the shades of green that surrounded them, he turned to look back at Ronan again, but this time Ronan was returning the attention. Adam tried to mirror the tiny smile Ronan had sent him earlier, as a thanks, but it was the wrong move. Ronan turned away, walking into the centre of the clearing. With his back turned to Adam, he started to talk.

“They are night terrors. They take up the space left behind by my dream items. If I take too much out of a dream, they will fill the empty space and at a certain point the dream can’t hold it all. They come to life.”

“For how long?”

Ronan didn’t answer him, but this time he didn’t need to, Adam filled in the blanks.

“Your suicide attempt.”

“It wasn’t one.”

“You need to tell Gansey.” Adam didn’t know why he was bringing up Gansey now, but after saying his name he couldn’t help but miss him dearly, and he was sure Ronan did too, even if he would never admit it.

“Yes, because I can totally do that now that I am trapped here. Maybe you should teach good old Dick some of your magic tricks, magician. Or maybe your girlfriend’s psycho aunts could teach him a thing or two, that will go well if he’s as smitten by them as he is by her.” Ronan’s words were drenched in venom, seemingly aimed at Gansey, but Adam could feel that the poison was meant for Blue. Adam must have gone wrong somewhere, but he was too tired of Ronan’s bullshit to deal with him, so he just retaliated with a simple: “Fuck you.”

“What’s your problem. Why do you hate her so much?” Adam tried, because sticking up for her was the least he could do, though she might not have appreciated it at all. He could hear her clearly in his head: “You think I can’t stand up for myself to some edgy asshole whose best trait is talking to a bird.” Even in his imagination she was funny, bright, and admirable. Why couldn’t Ronan see it?

Ronan didn’t reply, and soon the silence lay itself between them, making them unable to get any closer. Still Adam didn’t leave, he continued to stare. Maybe if Ronan looked back the intimacy would return and let the silence disappear.

Ronan looked back, but Adam had disappeared.

* * *

The forest let out a collective sigh as Ronan went to sit down where Adam had stood minutes, hours, lifetimes ago. He let his eyes close only for Adam to reappear. Adam grasping his hand so tightly he could almost convince himself it meant something, Adam returning his smile so convincingly that Ronan could fool himself into thinking that Adam observed him as intently as he did Adam, and Adam’s tiny breath that barely brushed his collarbone, but that was so intimate that it didn’t belong anywhere else than in Ronan’s shameful fantasies.

He had to hold back unless he wanted Adam to hate him more than he already did, but he was so tired of it all. So for once he let his mind flow and ebb however it liked, taking him to all the places he never wanted to visit. An image of Adam’s hands slowly brushing through Ronan’s hair, making their way down to his mouth, and Ronan couldn’t resist anymore. He gave them the tiniest butterfly kisses, adoring every inch of them. Ronan looked up, and Adam was not disgusted or repulsed like in previous fantasies, he was smiling, the same kind of smile Ronan knew he himself was wearing.

So, he let himself indulge further. The kisses weren’t enough, so when Adam asked for permission, he pliantly opened his mouth and took one of his fingers. Letting his tongue run against it, finally feeling the hard work and warmth of Adam. It wasn’t enough. He soon let his tongue, and his imagination, explore up Adam’s arm, slowly and gently, trying to map out every hill and valley of Adam’s body.

The further up he got the more ridiculous it all felt. Placing heavy meaningful kisses at Adam’s neck didn’t feel attractive, it just felt intruding and disgusting. Betraying Adam’s friendship like this. He never got to Adam’s mouth, because this time when he looked up, Adam wasn’t smiling, he wasn’t even disgusted, he looked disappointed, betrayed, and it hurt. Ronan felt like throwing up.

He let his eyes open. This needed to stop, before it all became too dangerous, even more dangerous than the night terrors. He just didn’t know how to stop yet, especially when Adam sometimes looked like he knew, and still let him have his smiles and his closeness.

Adam was still easier to explain than Kavinsky. He didn’t even know when or how it had started, he had probably been so far gone on adrenaline and alcohol by the time they first kissed, that there truly was no explanation for it. Expect that Kavinsky was there and willing to give him everything, all the things he wanted, and the things he didn’t. He still had no idea how to deal with Kavinsky, did anyone, or whatever they were doing. The only thing he knew for sure was that it needed to stop before they went too far. Before Ronan couldn’t deny the truth anymore. He couldn’t lie, so he let the shame erase any trace of his thoughts, leaving only truth behind.

* * *

“Adam, wake up.” Adam felt sick again. Everything around him was cloudy and out of focus, until Persephone’s prism eyes appeared before him, and slowly she was coming into focus. He was sat exactly where he had before, in Persephone’s off-centre magical circle. As he was returning, he could feel it protecting him, she was protecting him.

“What happened?” Adam’s words felt heavy in his mouth, so he could barely get them out, and ended up slurring them. His focus returned slowly, while the sickness settled deep down into his stomach, and apparently in his throat too.

“You were sitting still for too long, I was afraid if I didn’t wake you now, you would stay asleep.” Persephone’s cryptic and ominous words were oddly enough becoming one of his favourite parts of her. The world had stopped blurring, and he could finally see beyond Persephone. It was dark, but he could still see himself, could still feel like himself. Ronan’s night terror darkness was putting the night darkness he stood in now, into a whole new context, and Adam didn’t know how to feel about it all. At last his body decided for him, as the tiredness seeped into his bones, finding itself a seat beside all the sickness. He sent Persephone a nod, maybe as a confirmation that he had understood what she meant, or maybe as a warning, before he fell. She caught him, wrapping her magical hands around him, letting him feel something like home and warmth if only for a brief moment, before he couldn’t hold onto his conscious anymore and let it drift away.

* * *

Adam felt entirely too tired to even be alive when he awoke on his tiny ratty mattress in his tiny ratty apartment over St. Agnes. Someone, most likely Gansey and Blue, must have carried him. For once the shame of them seeing his shitty apartment wasn’t the first feeling that overtook his mind; he suddenly missed them deeply. More deeply than he had previously thought that he was allowed to. It was all so new for Adam to feel so much love for someone; it all made him deeply uncomfortable, but most of all so horribly aware of himself. His poorness, his inexperience with people, his anger. He was undeserving of the love his friends were showing him, but he was too selfish to let them go. And somehow, he thought that was okay. He really was an asshole.

They were at the same place where it all began, Nino’s. Blue had finally gotten a break and was making her way towards their table. She stopped between them, a mildly troubling expression sat upon her face, as she looked between them. Adam didn’t know what to make of it, but tried to erase the sleep depravity from his own face; trying to make it show how much he had missed her just earlier this morning. She tried to smile back, but before it had time to reach her eyes, she settled down beside Gansey. Adam could feel his own smile being replaced by the disappointment he so often saw in Blue when he rejected her intimacy. Before their expressions could morph into betrayal or sadness Gansey drew their attention.

“What happened yesterday? Everything alright?” Gansey asked, not taking any notice of Blue’s seating or the tenseness that had formed between them slowly staring to morph itself into a wall; a wall of silence and hurt. Gansey saved them in his own weird way, just like he usually did, and they all turned their minds to the real problem, Ronan.

“He’s trapped in his own dream, and we need to get him out before it’s too late,” Adam began. As he continued, he could see Blue and Gansey trying to make sense of it all, though he wasn’t sure there existed any. When he got to describing the night terrors, they all sat there looking almost as sick as he had felt when Ronan had shown him. Adam tried to be as detailed as possible, but couldn’t find it in him to tell them the truth about Ronan’s suicide attempt or the in between moments of intimacy between them, because he knew that it was all too personal.

“What do we do then?” Blue asked.

“There’s nothing we can do until Ronan tells us what to do about it, which means we might be waiting for a while. Even though the last thing we have right now is time. Waiting is the only thing we can do for now.”

They all felt the disappointment and panic that was closing in on them. Still none of them had ever learned how to quit or give up.

“We’ll just have to go to Cabeswater later and try again,” Gansey decided. Somehow looking both more tired and more determined than he had ever since Ronan had gone missing.

“Don’t bother, it'll just be a waste of your time. I can go on my own.” Adam knew he had said the wrong thing as soon as the words fell out of his mouth, but he couldn’t stop them. They hung in the air, and before he could take them back, before they even landed, Gansey replaced them with a casual: “We’ll pick you up at eight thirty outside of St. Agnes, so you better be finished showering by then.”

He had saved him again, like he always did, and for once Adam simply closed his mouth, and let it form a sincere smile. Gansey who acted like he never needed anything from them, even as he gave them so much, couldn’t hold back. They were smiling like children two who had just discovered the meaning of friendship, and maybe that’s what they were.

* * *

Although they spent most of their free time in Cabeswater, even if he himself was a part of Cabeswater, Adam could still not get used to all the magic it held. It was too great and he too small. They were walking into the forest aimlessly, since what they needed to find was a scrying stream and some magical rocks, and Adam believed that no where else on earth was that as easy to find as in Cabeswater, though he could be wrong. Magic seemed to have a thing for proving him wrong in the most unlikely ways.

They were all quietly picking rocks, when he felt something brush against his arm. He turned sharply, too aware of even the smallest foreign touch. It was Blue. She was standing before him, a few stones in her hands and a knowing look. Even after the weeks of small intimacies, he still thought of her touch as foreign. Even so, she didn’t look at him with accusation, but with silent understanding.

“Don’t do this,” but there lay no force behind it, only shame and foolish desperation; he couldn’t help but cringe.

She ignored it and simply asked: “What do you want Adam?”

The shame and desperation he had felt only seconds ago, suddenly morphed itself into familiar anger. How could they always expect him to explain himself so easily? As if anything in Adam’s life had been easy and could therefore be talked about easily. It was cruel, especially since they knew; they knew how hard it was. Still they expected him to talk, as if they could share his pain, but Adam knew it would only evoke more pity. He didn’t want to be defined by his past, and he definitely didn’t want to give anyone any more reason to do so.

Blue’s question still rang in his ears: what did he want? What did he not want, was an easier question to answer at this point? He wanted too much and was denied all of it, so there was no point in wishing for any of it.

“You know,” he answered.

“No, that’s the problem, I don’t know. You don’t let me know. One moment you’re all touchy and comfortable and the next you look like you would rather die than be close to me. You never talk to me, or tell me why you do that, just like now you just assume that because I’m a girl I would carry your emotional baggage.” At that moment she looked at him with so much frustration and pity in her eyes, that he couldn’t help what came out of his mouth.

“You always do this, meddle in things that are none of your business and try to make it about yourself. Why do I always have to explain myself to you? So, you can have some grand saviour moment; maybe you and Gansey can plan one out on your first date, as you seem to like his methods of trying to fix people so much. Well I don’t need to be fixed and I don’t need your goddamn pity.” He knew he had said too much, but worst of all he knew that he had been truthful.

“We both know that I’m not the self-centred one; you’re the one that’s so caught up in your own pity and pride that you can’t even consider anyone else. You’re self-destructive and unknowable, Adam, and that is pitiful.”

Blue was gone, only the stones she had gathered lay scattered at his feet. In this light they didn’t even look magical. Adam picked them up and squeezed tightly. For some reason it made him miss holding Ronan’s warm hand. The thought of it slowly calming him down, he knew that the lingering hurt from Blue’s words would not go away for a while, but at least his anger was beginning to dim. Especially since knew that if his anger got in the way of his scrying he would not be coming back.

Gansey dropped off his stones, sending him an apologetic look in the process, making Adam’s anger flare up again, but before he could say something even worse, Gansey had already walked away. He stood by Blue’s side, just a bit too close to be considered normal for friends, and they both looked so comfortable with the intimacy that Adam had to turn away. It was too painful, how could they demand anything like that of him, when nothing had ever been casual for Adam. At least he was on his way to the least casual person he had ever met, Ronan.

* * *

The magic flooded in as soon as he let it. It was screaming at him, and he so desperately wished to scream back at it. Let his anger overflow. Here, where it wouldn’t hurt anyone. At least not anyone else than himself. He could imagine it so vividly; screaming at the top of his lungs, letting out the raw pain and pity for once, not to be gawked at and made a victim, but to be heard.

It was horribly tempting, but he couldn’t let himself get distracted. If he spent too long trying to find the door, he wouldn’t be let in, and he wouldn’t be coming back. Even so he couldn’t let it go, maybe Blue had been right all along, like she usually was. So, he let it out, all his selfishness, anger, pride. He was screaming, until he couldn’t anymore because it was all fading away. He was fading away. He suddenly realised he couldn’t stop it, but the panic and desperation he was supposed to feel, that he had felt all his life, was suddenly gone, replaced by catharsis. So he decided to give in, he couldn’t stop it and for once he didn’t want to. 


End file.
